I was frustrated that day.
So, I did what I do in those situations:
Take a paper and pen and let them battle it out.
But that day was different.
The battle went for 6 hours.
Because the pen persisted with one word.
No matter what the scenario, context, desire or reason was, the pen just wrote, Why?
Why this? Why that?
And I kept on writing…
And I kept on peeling…
I peeled my frustration to find my expectations.
I peeled my expectations to find my beliefs.
I peeled my beliefs to find my biases and assumptions.
I peeled my assumptions and biases to find their source.
And you know what, that’s where the pen slowed down.
And I felt awkward.
Because the sources behind those biases were someone else.
I’m frustrated. Why?
I didn’t achieve enough. But ain’t it your first attempt? Why is it so frustrating?
Because I meant to achieve big. Why?
Because it’s expected of me. Why?
Because my family won’t love me if I don’t. Why? Why do you think so?
Because … because…< After thinking for 5 min >
I heard my uncle say that if I score good in board exams, my family would be thrilled. So, I thought…
And just like, a thought entered my mind.
I persisted with it, and it became an emotion.
An emotion that becomes a self-prophecy or standard, that’s good for motivation but toxic when failures or mistakes happen.
And, mistakes are bound to happen.
And why this emotion was there?
Because someone said something and I assumed something and it became something else for me.
Ain’t that happen with everything in our life? Our likes, dislikes, goals, desires, everything gets decided by such small incidents, and we chase them like they are our heart’s desire.
But do we ever question them?
Do we ever think, are they our own?
Do we ever think, have we fully tested whether a thing is standing on facts or assumptions?
No. We don’t.
That’s where journaling or talking with an empathetic friend can help.
And I hope you will also peel some of your layers to find your truth.